Raising Outlook

Why the DMV Should Just Close Up Shop

2008-03-22T14:58:00.001-07:00

Driving is such an awesome thing to do these days. With cities continuing to expand, and jobs moving farther and farther away from residential areas, the ability to drive a vehicle (or ride the local public transit, which is what I'm reduced to at this time. Blame the rising price of gas.) is pretty much a necessity. However, with more and more people on the road, we get more and more idiots on the road as well.

Just last week, I was walking home from the bus stop I get off at, minding my own business. I came to a road I needed to cross, and decided to let a car that arrived at the intersection before I did go. I know that pedestrians have the right of way, but I'm also not about to be a jackass to someone in a metal battering ram that's probably 20 times my mass, that can go at speeds 20 times greater than my own.

I wave him through, he waves back in gratitude, everything is swell. Once he got a fair distance through the intersection, I headed out as to avoid any further downtime for the other vehicles. That's when I noticed Miss Red SUV had followed Mr. Truck through the intersection at a speed that, while fooling no one, was to put enough distance between the two vehicles to appear that she had waited longer than half a second to place her 20 pound box of donuts on the gas pedal.

Ok, that last bit wasn't fair. To her credit, she was a very slim, attractive woman. You see, I was able to get a steady enough look at her face because she stared at me the entire way through. Her window was down, and if I were a quick enough thinker, I would have used my waterbottle to sprinkle her with some water, as she was clearly running some sort of marathon.

Slightly aghast at what just transpired, I continued along my way, chuckling like a certain local radio personality by the name of Ray. I won't go further, but those of you who know who I'm talking about will understand the air of dismissing superiority I was putting on. Good thing Mr. Mercedes was there to pop up on the curb right next to me to snap me out of my self-righteous stupor.

Ok, so now my heart was racing, because the last thing you want to see after hearing a loud noise is a giant white blur rushing two feet away from you. I finally calmed down about five minutes later, just in time for some car to pop onto the side walk ten feet in front of me. I guess that guy likes his turns the same as his shaves, because I was positive I heard the pilot (he clearly has his wings, by the way he was flying) yelling something about "touching Sascha" and laughing "Cry some more!"

Needless to say, I stayed on the inside of the sidewalk the rest of the way home. I think my prayers were even loud enough that I converted a few people to a faith that is mildly infatuated with some phrases popular among sailors.

The Desktop Computer: Part II

2008-03-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

After hearing the news of my fully functional computer, my walk home from work was oddly cheerful. Being about nine in the evening, the world seemed oddly bright. The source of my frustration for several days was now working fine. Everything was grand.

Upon returning home, I find my computer waiting for me on our kitchen table. I whisk it away to the bleak dungeon that is my room, and set it on my desk. I plugged in my first monitor...second monitor...USB, mouse, and finally power cables. With a relieved sigh, I slump into my chair as I casually lean over and push the power button.

When nothing happened, it occured to me that I had forgotten to turn the power on my surge protector back on. "Silly me." I thought, as I leaned over to flip it on. Going through the motions one more time, I slump into my chair, leaning in to turn on that which gives me joy in the evenings. I relish at the touch of the familiar plastic button. My body relaxes at the hum of the fans. All reaching an unbearable feeling of orgasmic joy at the sound of the post...wait...where the hell is the post?

My computer still isn't working...

Over the phone, my grandfather is perplexed. He has no idea why it isn't working. We run through a wild goose chase consisting of bypassing every possible cable of mine, in the hopes of discovering a faulty plug, a frayed wire, anything that could explain the troubles. Nothing worked. Finally, we decided that my grandfather would take the computer in one more time, where we would both work on it when I came over for the day on the weekend.

The day before I was going to come over, I gave my grandfather a call to ask if my computer was working over there once again. To my relief, which is a very relative term at this point, it is not working. Rather than pull our hair out right then and there, we decide to just leave it as it is until that Sunday.

Oh wonderful Sunday, you are such a wonderful day. You are a holy day for worship to some, a day to kick back and relax to others, and to even more, you are a harbinger of despair as people realize that the next day is monday, when we go back in to work, school, or whatever else we have going on.

And yet for me, oh Sunday, you just give me bad news.

[To be continued once again...]

The Desktop Computer: Part I

2008-03-19T23:05:00.000-07:00

What can I say? I love my computer. It lets me browse the web, chat with friends, play games, do my homework...ok, that last one is a lie, but it never hurts to try and pad your reputation. With all the things my computer can do, it seems that there's just one thing it can't do:

Work correctly.

Yeah, much like all good things in life, there's the little fine print that will just ruin your day. My computer just loves that fine print. You should ask it some day, it'll probably tell you all sorts of hilarious stories about me, usually involving wailing and gnashing of teeth.

The most recent event started while trying to retrieve a file for my father, who, in all his infinite wisdom, decided to try print an important paper at work, rather than at home on my wonderful printer. You see, his computer up and died (which is another story for another time), leaving me with the task of recovering said file from his hard drive and e-mailing it to him. Simple, huh?

Not this time. See, my computer loves to pull pranks. This time, it decided it no longer wanted to post. For those of you who don't know (like me, before this whole event started), "posting" is that beep your computer makes when it first boots up to tell you that everything is hunky-dory with the motherboard. After much tinkering, I found my computer to be beyond anything I could repair. Off to my grandfather it goes!

The next day, I call him up after work to see how my computer was doing. He tells me that nothing was wrong with it. Apparently, when he plugged it in at his house, everything was working fine. I was then told that my computer was waiting for me at my house. Oh glorious joy of unspeakable joys! My computer is a-ok!

...remember how I said my computer likes to play pranks?

[To be continued...]

It's time...

2008-03-19T22:48:00.001-07:00

In an attempt to be more in tune with the world around me, I have decided to start up this blog...and by in tune, I mean actually pay attention. With a camera in hand, and a cynical attitude, I go into the abyss in order to find something interesting. What this will end up meaning are tours around my college, classes, hometown, and whatever else comes to mind.

It should be fun. No, really, I mean it.